Monday, December 26, 2011

New look

I changed the look of my blog yesterday. I found it difficult to look at the colors for very long and if I don't want to look at it then I doubt others would either. Visual pleasantness and ease of reading is important to a blog or any website.

I'm feeling much more balanced compared to a week ago. It was just a week ago that I saw the fill in dr. I will probably meet with him again in January if $ permits (my deductible starts over). I liked how active he was in our conversation. It kind of sucks to start over with a dr. but if he works better for me than my current dr. it may be worth it. My current dr. just doesn't say much in our appointments. I feel like I'm kind of talking to myself unless I ask him a question. I do want to look into a therapist too. I need to look into the list of names I got from Tom.

I've been reading a few blogs by folks with mental illness. One called A Path With Heart has caught my attention. I relate to some of what she talks about. There are a few others I've browsed. Blogging can be a good way for me to stay present with my mental health. At my Saturday meeting this week, several people mentioned mental health issues. It made me think about DDA. I still have never gotten involved with them. I've never gotten into any other mental health support groups either. Maybe I should.

I just took a look at some of the bipolar resources including on Meetup.com and there is definitely stuff going on that I could be involved with. I've pulled a rune recently that makes me wonder if I need to work on my mental health more actively. It's a rune that addresses my darkness and my shadow. I sort of see my illness as a shadow of my self. It's not me. It's a caricature of me. It's me masked and in costume. It's me covered up by madness. It's like me when I'm drunk or high. It's not me as my best, highest Self. Maybe I'll reach out to others with madness. Maybe.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Update

I'm feeling a little more balanced today and yesterday. I'm still feeling off but not as badly. I'm still emotionally reactive and having a little difficulty multitasking at work. I've been getting closer to 8 hours of sleep. Better than the 7 I was getting for a couple nights. I'm steadily taking 800mg Sero and have been using Klonipin more. Yesterday I took one before work and after work. I also stayed up watching The Wire until about 2, which isn't helping. I need to get a solid 9 or 10 hours, especially because on Thursday and Friday I have to leave for work at 7:14 a.m. I know that's going to fuck me up.

I need to remember to take it easy at work and not get stressed by customers' problems. A) it's just a job, B) it's just stuff they are buying, no matter how attached they are to getting it, and C) people (at our company) make mistakes and all we can do is try to correct those errors. I don't need to base my feeling of success on their happiness. That's not my job. I need to follow the advice I give my volunteers at ODS: don't base your goals on what your kids are doing or learning, base them on actions you can take. The action I can take today is basically being nice, working to solve problems to the best of my ability and reach, and being a good representative of the company.

Friday, December 16, 2011

I'm still feeling off today. I took 800 mg of Seroquel last night but got to bed about 1:30. I got up about 9:30 to go see P and N and get the laptop for working on grad school.

My doctor is on leave right now, so I called the doctor who is covering his patients and made an appointment for Monday at 9am. I also called Tom from the outpatient program I did in 2009 to get some recommendations for a therapist. I went through the listings of in-network providers with him online and he gave me about 10 names and for a few of those he gave strong recommendations. I'll start looking them up online to see if they have webpages where I might get more info about them. I'd like to be doing some therapy. I think there are somethings that I need to dig down to and look at. Well, I know there are some, but I think now may be a good time to look at them. It's also good to have a therapist to discuss bipolar issues with. I haven't really had a therapist since Nina. That's been years now.

Tonight I will get to bed earlier.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Update II

Other things I noticed today: thinking I recognize people on the bus or in public, trouble spelling/transposing letters, increased emotional response--so far mostly internally, but I said a couple things today I probably shouldn't have. Also my eating pattern hasn't been very good for my brain. I need to take more food to work and eat earlier. I tried to have a less stressed attitude today. At one point when I started getting up tight, my friend helped remind me of that. I'm about to get into bed and it's only 11:50. Sweet!

Update

I've been feeling off in my mood for a few days. Possible causes: bad sleep patterns--mostly just going to bed too late--and stress at work. Work has been taking a lot out of me. I'm working in front of a computer all day, sitting in a chair. I try to have good posture and stretch. I've been taking an extra 100 mg of Seroquel for a couple nights. I'll keep working on the sleep thing and make sure I take breaks at work and not let myself get stressed. It's just a job. :)

Saturday, December 3, 2011

It's Been A While

Just checking back in. I have forgotten about this blog. That tends to happen. I think about my illness and get obsessed with it and then it fades into the everyday background.

It is coming up on three years since the last episode. I am about to test the three year cycle. I had my first episode in 2003, the second in 2006, and the third in 2009. 2012 approaches on the horizon.

My life today feels much different than it did when I started this blog and extremely different than in 2009. I'm still working at ODS. I've found good summer work with a parks department. The winters are still tough. Last winter I barely made it. I don't think about J. very often, but occasionally she pops up in my mind. I probably think more about her boyfriend than her because he still works at the store down the street from me. I saw him there the other day for the first time in a long while. I am not haunted in the way I was when I started this blog. I've had other ups and downs since then, but no big problems with my mood.

I've taken a much more active role in managing my meds, especially when I'm working at ODS. Currently I'm taking 600mg of Seroquel once a day and 300mg of Lamictal a day. I take all of the Sero at night and the side effects don't bother me like they did when I was taking it during the day.

For some reason I thought of this blog and decided it would be good to check in. Maybe I'll be more regular about it.