Dream

I had a dream last night that I told my bipolar story in short form at what seemed like an AA meeting. When I woke up I had the urge to start writing my story down. Wait, actually I picked up a book that I started rereading lately called The Spirituality of Imperfection, which talks about the importance of telling stories and hearing stories, and that was what made me pick up the laptop. I would really like to put down on 'paper' my memories and thoughts from the last 9 years. (God, has it really been that long since my first episode?)

I thought about writing it out on here, but I don't want to worry about revealing details that I'd rather keep private, mostly things that would help someone place my identity. I have serious reservations about revealing my true identity on here. I don't want anything to bite me in the ass later on, you know, like when I run for president. No, but really, like in my career later on, or even now. I work with kids right now and it would not be to my benefit for anyone who knows me professionally to know about this stuff.

On a different note, my sleep schedule has shifted to going to bed at like 1 or 2 a.m. and getting up after 10, sometimes as late as noon (like today). I need to get that shit straightened out. I'm not sure what will work, but I have lots of 'knowledge' about good sleep hygiene but whether I will actually do it is another question. Goal for tonight: in bed reading at midnight, lights off at 12:30 a.m. We'll see if I can make it happen.

Hell

Last night while sitting in my regular AA meeting, I was struck by the memory of being in jail the last time. I recall lying on the bed, on the top bunk, looking back on my life through the lens of mania--when a million different events and details seem woven together in a tapestry of connection and meaning, fate and design. I remember being a little boy at the mercy of his anger and those adults charged with his care and protection--protection from himself and others, and the protection of others from him. I saw a cycle of uncontrolled action and loss of freedom. It seemed like an inevitable circle that would play out for the rest of my life, in the way the thought of a maniac can have certainty and reality, no matter how detached from reality it actually may be. For someone in acute mania thought can become fact and fact can be altered by though. The mind of the maniac is self-absorbed and self-centered to an extreme; it believes in its own veracity and is bound at the same time to its own delusion.

In that moment, feeling the certainty that this broken record of my life would forever spin and skip, I couldn't bear the possibility, the inevitability, of the continued cycle f loss of self-control and loss of freedom. I truly wanted it to end. I said to my god, my creator, "If this is my fate, please take me now. If I must keep living out this nightmare, I don't want to live." It was the first time since I was 15 that I would have death than life. My creator didn't take me; I was left on that bunk, and somehow the moment passed. I took it as an answer. Whether or not it was didn't matter--I took it as one. It was in that bed that I sank to a hell in my own mind, and something brought me back out.

It was also in that bed that I began to let go of J. Something in me shifted. I remember watching the snow fall on that March day and thinking of something I had written or said about J. I said that I would wait for her until hell froze over. Well I was in hell and it had frozen enough to snow, so I had waited long enough. I didn't completely let go of her at that time, but I began to. When I got home after being released, I had a phone message from B. In that moment I was able to take hold of my lingering love for her and finally put down my manic obsession with J.

My mind doesn't often go back to that hellish place, lying on a mattress in a jail cell on the special floor reserved for special people like me, but I need to keep that memory alive somewhere inside me where I can pick it up every now and then, dust it off, and remember where I never want to go again.

New look

I changed the look of my blog yesterday. I found it difficult to look at the colors for very long and if I don't want to look at it then I doubt others would either. Visual pleasantness and ease of reading is important to a blog or any website.

I'm feeling much more balanced compared to a week ago. It was just a week ago that I saw the fill in dr. I will probably meet with him again in January if $ permits (my deductible starts over). I liked how active he was in our conversation. It kind of sucks to start over with a dr. but if he works better for me than my current dr. it may be worth it. My current dr. just doesn't say much in our appointments. I feel like I'm kind of talking to myself unless I ask him a question. I do want to look into a therapist too. I need to look into the list of names I got from Tom.

I've been reading a few blogs by folks with mental illness. One called A Path With Heart has caught my attention. I relate to some of what she talks about. There are a few others I've browsed. Blogging can be a good way for me to stay present with my mental health. At my Saturday meeting this week, several people mentioned mental health issues. It made me think about DDA. I still have never gotten involved with them. I've never gotten into any other mental health support groups either. Maybe I should.

I just took a look at some of the bipolar resources including on Meetup.com and there is definitely stuff going on that I could be involved with. I've pulled a rune recently that makes me wonder if I need to work on my mental health more actively. It's a rune that addresses my darkness and my shadow. I sort of see my illness as a shadow of my self. It's not me. It's a caricature of me. It's me masked and in costume. It's me covered up by madness. It's like me when I'm drunk or high. It's not me as my best, highest Self. Maybe I'll reach out to others with madness. Maybe.

Update

I'm feeling a little more balanced today and yesterday. I'm still feeling off but not as badly. I'm still emotionally reactive and having a little difficulty multitasking at work. I've been getting closer to 8 hours of sleep. Better than the 7 I was getting for a couple nights. I'm steadily taking 800mg Sero and have been using Klonipin more. Yesterday I took one before work and after work. I also stayed up watching The Wire until about 2, which isn't helping. I need to get a solid 9 or 10 hours, especially because on Thursday and Friday I have to leave for work at 7:14 a.m. I know that's going to fuck me up.

I need to remember to take it easy at work and not get stressed by customers' problems. A) it's just a job, B) it's just stuff they are buying, no matter how attached they are to getting it, and C) people (at our company) make mistakes and all we can do is try to correct those errors. I don't need to base my feeling of success on their happiness. That's not my job. I need to follow the advice I give my volunteers at ODS: don't base your goals on what your kids are doing or learning, base them on actions you can take. The action I can take today is basically being nice, working to solve problems to the best of my ability and reach, and being a good representative of the company.

I'm still feeling off today. I took 800 mg of Seroquel last night but got to bed about 1:30. I got up about 9:30 to go see P and N and get the laptop for working on grad school.

My doctor is on leave right now, so I called the doctor who is covering his patients and made an appointment for Monday at 9am. I also called Tom from the outpatient program I did in 2009 to get some recommendations for a therapist. I went through the listings of in-network providers with him online and he gave me about 10 names and for a few of those he gave strong recommendations. I'll start looking them up online to see if they have webpages where I might get more info about them. I'd like to be doing some therapy. I think there are somethings that I need to dig down to and look at. Well, I know there are some, but I think now may be a good time to look at them. It's also good to have a therapist to discuss bipolar issues with. I haven't really had a therapist since Nina. That's been years now.

Tonight I will get to bed earlier.

Update II

Other things I noticed today: thinking I recognize people on the bus or in public, trouble spelling/transposing letters, increased emotional response--so far mostly internally, but I said a couple things today I probably shouldn't have. Also my eating pattern hasn't been very good for my brain. I need to take more food to work and eat earlier. I tried to have a less stressed attitude today. At one point when I started getting up tight, my friend helped remind me of that. I'm about to get into bed and it's only 11:50. Sweet!

Update

I've been feeling off in my mood for a few days. Possible causes: bad sleep patterns--mostly just going to bed too late--and stress at work. Work has been taking a lot out of me. I'm working in front of a computer all day, sitting in a chair. I try to have good posture and stretch. I've been taking an extra 100 mg of Seroquel for a couple nights. I'll keep working on the sleep thing and make sure I take breaks at work and not let myself get stressed. It's just a job. :)