Dream

I had a dream last night that I told my bipolar story in short form at what seemed like an AA meeting. When I woke up I had the urge to start writing my story down. Wait, actually I picked up a book that I started rereading lately called The Spirituality of Imperfection, which talks about the importance of telling stories and hearing stories, and that was what made me pick up the laptop. I would really like to put down on 'paper' my memories and thoughts from the last 9 years. (God, has it really been that long since my first episode?)

I thought about writing it out on here, but I don't want to worry about revealing details that I'd rather keep private, mostly things that would help someone place my identity. I have serious reservations about revealing my true identity on here. I don't want anything to bite me in the ass later on, you know, like when I run for president. No, but really, like in my career later on, or even now. I work with kids right now and it would not be to my benefit for anyone who knows me professionally to know about this stuff.

On a different note, my sleep schedule has shifted to going to bed at like 1 or 2 a.m. and getting up after 10, sometimes as late as noon (like today). I need to get that shit straightened out. I'm not sure what will work, but I have lots of 'knowledge' about good sleep hygiene but whether I will actually do it is another question. Goal for tonight: in bed reading at midnight, lights off at 12:30 a.m. We'll see if I can make it happen.

Update

I'm feeling a little more balanced today and yesterday. I'm still feeling off but not as badly. I'm still emotionally reactive and having a little difficulty multitasking at work. I've been getting closer to 8 hours of sleep. Better than the 7 I was getting for a couple nights. I'm steadily taking 800mg Sero and have been using Klonipin more. Yesterday I took one before work and after work. I also stayed up watching The Wire until about 2, which isn't helping. I need to get a solid 9 or 10 hours, especially because on Thursday and Friday I have to leave for work at 7:14 a.m. I know that's going to fuck me up.

I need to remember to take it easy at work and not get stressed by customers' problems. A) it's just a job, B) it's just stuff they are buying, no matter how attached they are to getting it, and C) people (at our company) make mistakes and all we can do is try to correct those errors. I don't need to base my feeling of success on their happiness. That's not my job. I need to follow the advice I give my volunteers at ODS: don't base your goals on what your kids are doing or learning, base them on actions you can take. The action I can take today is basically being nice, working to solve problems to the best of my ability and reach, and being a good representative of the company.

Update

I've been feeling off in my mood for a few days. Possible causes: bad sleep patterns--mostly just going to bed too late--and stress at work. Work has been taking a lot out of me. I'm working in front of a computer all day, sitting in a chair. I try to have good posture and stretch. I've been taking an extra 100 mg of Seroquel for a couple nights. I'll keep working on the sleep thing and make sure I take breaks at work and not let myself get stressed. It's just a job. :)

Dancing Fool

I went dancing last night. It's the first time I've been dancing since last February when I was running high in my mania. In fact, the last time I went dancing was the night I tried to tell J. that I was deeply in love with her and the night before I had the psychotic break in front of her house.

The dancing was great. I didn't want the night to end. I stayed out until about 1:30 and didn't get to bed until about 3:00. Today I definitely have a "hangover," not from alcohol, because I don't drink, but from putting out so much energy and staying up so late. I'm feeling a little jittery and scattered mentally. Tonight should be much easier to get to bed at a reasonable time. My sleep this weekend has generally been screwy. I got up early on Saturday morning and went to bed late that night as well, and then yesterday I didn't get up until noon. That's when I got up today too. This doesn't bode well for my mood. I'll have to watch myself and maybe take some extra Seroquel.

I've found some good blogs focused on bipolar out there. Check my blogroll to see what I'm reading. I especially like The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive.

Today's Status Report
Mood: low-mildly elevated, jittery, scattered
Sleep: got to bed too late, slept for about 8 hours soundly and then dosed for another hour
Eating: just fine
Exercise: dancing last night kicked my ass