Update

I'm feeling a little more balanced today and yesterday. I'm still feeling off but not as badly. I'm still emotionally reactive and having a little difficulty multitasking at work. I've been getting closer to 8 hours of sleep. Better than the 7 I was getting for a couple nights. I'm steadily taking 800mg Sero and have been using Klonipin more. Yesterday I took one before work and after work. I also stayed up watching The Wire until about 2, which isn't helping. I need to get a solid 9 or 10 hours, especially because on Thursday and Friday I have to leave for work at 7:14 a.m. I know that's going to fuck me up.

I need to remember to take it easy at work and not get stressed by customers' problems. A) it's just a job, B) it's just stuff they are buying, no matter how attached they are to getting it, and C) people (at our company) make mistakes and all we can do is try to correct those errors. I don't need to base my feeling of success on their happiness. That's not my job. I need to follow the advice I give my volunteers at ODS: don't base your goals on what your kids are doing or learning, base them on actions you can take. The action I can take today is basically being nice, working to solve problems to the best of my ability and reach, and being a good representative of the company.

Update

I've been feeling off in my mood for a few days. Possible causes: bad sleep patterns--mostly just going to bed too late--and stress at work. Work has been taking a lot out of me. I'm working in front of a computer all day, sitting in a chair. I try to have good posture and stretch. I've been taking an extra 100 mg of Seroquel for a couple nights. I'll keep working on the sleep thing and make sure I take breaks at work and not let myself get stressed. It's just a job. :)

It's Been A While

Just checking back in. I have forgotten about this blog. That tends to happen. I think about my illness and get obsessed with it and then it fades into the everyday background.

It is coming up on three years since the last episode. I am about to test the three year cycle. I had my first episode in 2003, the second in 2006, and the third in 2009. 2012 approaches on the horizon.

My life today feels much different than it did when I started this blog and extremely different than in 2009. I'm still working at ODS. I've found good summer work with a parks department. The winters are still tough. Last winter I barely made it. I don't think about J. very often, but occasionally she pops up in my mind. I probably think more about her boyfriend than her because he still works at the store down the street from me. I saw him there the other day for the first time in a long while. I am not haunted in the way I was when I started this blog. I've had other ups and downs since then, but no big problems with my mood.

I've taken a much more active role in managing my meds, especially when I'm working at ODS. Currently I'm taking 600mg of Seroquel once a day and 300mg of Lamictal a day. I take all of the Sero at night and the side effects don't bother me like they did when I was taking it during the day.

For some reason I thought of this blog and decided it would be good to check in. Maybe I'll be more regular about it.

New Meds

I'm trying out Seroquel extended release. I decided that I hate feeling dopey and tired in the middle of the day after I take my regular Seroquel. We'll see how taking the ER goes. Any time I change my medicine the worry is that my mood will shift. I started taking the new meds on Tuesday, a couple days ago. I felt a little off this morning. I'm not sure what that means, if it's from the change or not. The weird thing is that I got 10 hours of sleep, well, 9 plus dozing. You would think that I'd feel awesome this morning. The other thing I'm not sure about is if the dosage needs to change because of the ER. If the ER works well, it will be nice to not have to feel side effects while I'm working at ODS. I'll have to keep an eye on my mood this weekend.

The Bipolar Blogosphere and Other Random Crap

In my wandering and searching for other bipolar focused blogs I have discovered a whole world of them. Many are easy to find. This is a different story from rowing blogs, which I also have one of under my real identity. I've had some trouble finding many blogs about rowing and many of the bloggers I used to read have stopped writing or moved and I can't find them. So anyway I have found a few blogs on bipolar that I like. I have found some that I can do without and some others that I may read but weren't hooked by. I am slowly adding to my blog roll.

Today I'm feeling the dopey side effects of my Seroquel. I didn't take a nap, but I didn't do anything very productive either, such as looking for a job. A task that is becoming more pressing each day. My seasonal job will start at the end of March and the longer I go without one the more money my grandparents have to give me to pay my rent and health insurance.

Thankfully I have just finished paying off the hospital for my last episode. In all I think I paid about $2,000 which is actually not bad for two ER visits (in the same day) and six days in the psych ward. On the other hand, why do I have to pay so much to keep myself and others safe from my madness? I now pay over $5,000 a year for insurance, isn't that enough, considering I've only been hospitalized twice in almost seven years now. If I was paying five grand a year for all seven of those years that would be $35,000 for two hospital visits, doctor's visits, and medication. $5,000 is about half of my average yearly income since graduating from college. And after last year that average is coming down.

My family, particularly my grandparents, are anxious for me to get SS disability. I'm not sure I would get approved yet, even after going through double rejection and appeal, which I hear is the standard routine. Sometimes I get down about not having had a job that lasted more than a year since graduating, before graduating as well, but you'd think a graduate from a very expensive and prestigious college could at least hold down even a crap job for more than a year. Considering the jobs I've had, maybe it's good I haven't had one that lasted very long. Now that I'm back on the seasonal schedule things are going to be uncertain every few months. I need to get into grad school, now. I definitely need to get a summer gig lined up before the spring session starts. I think I might have missed the trackers job. I should still inquire about it. I think it would be mad fun to work with them. I don't think I can count on getting anything from the temp agencies I'm registered with.

The job shit definitely cuts into my self-esteem and self-worth. Really, it cuts into my Ego. My Higher Self isn't hurt by my job or financial circumstances. But the feelings of uselessness and self-loathing that come from the way I look at my job situation do effect my soul and Higher Self. Remember to smile and breathe and be here in the present moment. The present moment is the only moment in which we can truly live, to quote Thich Nhat Hanh. He says to smile at our sorrow and suffering, because we are not our suffering, there is more than suffering. I am grateful for life and health and the love around me. I have been learning more and more to love myself, which has been one of the hardest parts of my spiritual journey.

Anyway that was quite a rambling post, but good for being written.

Status Report
Mood: low normal
Medication: took extra Seroquel today and yesterday
Sleep: only 8 hrs last night, bed at 2 up at 10
Exercise: not yet so far today, but maybe after tutoring
Food: fine, need to eat my broccoli before it goes bad