Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The Bipolar Blogosphere and Other Random Crap

In my wandering and searching for other bipolar focused blogs I have discovered a whole world of them. Many are easy to find. This is a different story from rowing blogs, which I also have one of under my real identity. I've had some trouble finding many blogs about rowing and many of the bloggers I used to read have stopped writing or moved and I can't find them. So anyway I have found a few blogs on bipolar that I like. I have found some that I can do without and some others that I may read but weren't hooked by. I am slowly adding to my blog roll.

Today I'm feeling the dopey side effects of my Seroquel. I didn't take a nap, but I didn't do anything very productive either, such as looking for a job. A task that is becoming more pressing each day. My seasonal job will start at the end of March and the longer I go without one the more money my grandparents have to give me to pay my rent and health insurance.

Thankfully I have just finished paying off the hospital for my last episode. In all I think I paid about $2,000 which is actually not bad for two ER visits (in the same day) and six days in the psych ward. On the other hand, why do I have to pay so much to keep myself and others safe from my madness? I now pay over $5,000 a year for insurance, isn't that enough, considering I've only been hospitalized twice in almost seven years now. If I was paying five grand a year for all seven of those years that would be $35,000 for two hospital visits, doctor's visits, and medication. $5,000 is about half of my average yearly income since graduating from college. And after last year that average is coming down.

My family, particularly my grandparents, are anxious for me to get SS disability. I'm not sure I would get approved yet, even after going through double rejection and appeal, which I hear is the standard routine. Sometimes I get down about not having had a job that lasted more than a year since graduating, before graduating as well, but you'd think a graduate from a very expensive and prestigious college could at least hold down even a crap job for more than a year. Considering the jobs I've had, maybe it's good I haven't had one that lasted very long. Now that I'm back on the seasonal schedule things are going to be uncertain every few months. I need to get into grad school, now. I definitely need to get a summer gig lined up before the spring session starts. I think I might have missed the trackers job. I should still inquire about it. I think it would be mad fun to work with them. I don't think I can count on getting anything from the temp agencies I'm registered with.

The job shit definitely cuts into my self-esteem and self-worth. Really, it cuts into my Ego. My Higher Self isn't hurt by my job or financial circumstances. But the feelings of uselessness and self-loathing that come from the way I look at my job situation do effect my soul and Higher Self. Remember to smile and breathe and be here in the present moment. The present moment is the only moment in which we can truly live, to quote Thich Nhat Hanh. He says to smile at our sorrow and suffering, because we are not our suffering, there is more than suffering. I am grateful for life and health and the love around me. I have been learning more and more to love myself, which has been one of the hardest parts of my spiritual journey.

Anyway that was quite a rambling post, but good for being written.

Status Report
Mood: low normal
Medication: took extra Seroquel today and yesterday
Sleep: only 8 hrs last night, bed at 2 up at 10
Exercise: not yet so far today, but maybe after tutoring
Food: fine, need to eat my broccoli before it goes bad

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