Less filling, tastes great? Not quite. More like: Less sleeping, more stress.
The last week I've been feeling up. Ever since my sleep got fucked last weekend. Starting the new job on Thursday just aggravated my elevated mood. I've been upping my Seroquel for the last 3 days or more. Now I'm at 100mg above normal. I should make sure my mood is stable before I reduce it back to 500 a day, what it was before. I also took some Klonapin yesterday to keep myself from freaking the fuck out. Talking to upset people on the phone all day is not conducive to a peaceful and serene life. In other words, I WILL NEVER WORK IN A FUCKING CALL CENTER AGAIN. If I forget this promise some how, please remind me. Now call centers have joined sales jobs and canvassing for money as "Shit I won't do even if you pay me."
I'm swearing a lot in this entry. I definitely lose some of the filter when I'm feeling up. Mostly it comes out in my conversations but it flows in the writing as well. Tonight I don't feel too off balance, but after I get up at 6am again tomorrow I'm sure I'll be feeling it. Well, when I get my paycheck next Friday I can be grateful that I actually had some work, unlike so many others out there right now. I am really thankful this job came up. I am twice as grateful that the other job that I start Monday came up, so that I can have this little taste of hell and then be done with it forever (maybe?).
I'll check back in as to what trajectory my mood continues to take. But for now I just need to get to bed on time and "take the fucking pills" as another blogger says.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Paying The Bills
So I started a work assignment with the temp agency today. The funny thing is that earlier this week I wrote that I had given up on finding anything soon with either of the two temp agencies. Then today I got a call while I was at the new job from the other temp agency saying they had something for me. Crazy! So then I went through a whole mess of whether I should stay at the one or go to the other. After much weighing of pros, cons, and indecisive anxiety I called my grandparents and told them about my dilemma. They gave me some validation on how I felt about the situation, which was basically that I could stay at the current assignment and make more money, or go to the new assignment and probably be happier and healthier (mentally). So I decided to go to the new one.
It is downtown, rather than way the hell out in BFE where the bus is a bitch to take and ultimately requires driving my non-existent car, borrowing my housemate's car (not a long term option), or carpooling (probably do-able eventually). The hours are shorter, but the pay rate is a little better. Bottom line is I'll make about $100 less a week at the downtown job. But I will have more free time, the commute is super easy, and I think the work will be way better. I think I really don't like working in a call center. Although at the end of today I took 3 calls in about 15 minutes and it was super easy.
So now I'm off to bed so I can be up at 7am.
It is downtown, rather than way the hell out in BFE where the bus is a bitch to take and ultimately requires driving my non-existent car, borrowing my housemate's car (not a long term option), or carpooling (probably do-able eventually). The hours are shorter, but the pay rate is a little better. Bottom line is I'll make about $100 less a week at the downtown job. But I will have more free time, the commute is super easy, and I think the work will be way better. I think I really don't like working in a call center. Although at the end of today I took 3 calls in about 15 minutes and it was super easy.
So now I'm off to bed so I can be up at 7am.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
The Bipolar Blogosphere and Other Random Crap
In my wandering and searching for other bipolar focused blogs I have discovered a whole world of them. Many are easy to find. This is a different story from rowing blogs, which I also have one of under my real identity. I've had some trouble finding many blogs about rowing and many of the bloggers I used to read have stopped writing or moved and I can't find them. So anyway I have found a few blogs on bipolar that I like. I have found some that I can do without and some others that I may read but weren't hooked by. I am slowly adding to my blog roll.
Today I'm feeling the dopey side effects of my Seroquel. I didn't take a nap, but I didn't do anything very productive either, such as looking for a job. A task that is becoming more pressing each day. My seasonal job will start at the end of March and the longer I go without one the more money my grandparents have to give me to pay my rent and health insurance.
Thankfully I have just finished paying off the hospital for my last episode. In all I think I paid about $2,000 which is actually not bad for two ER visits (in the same day) and six days in the psych ward. On the other hand, why do I have to pay so much to keep myself and others safe from my madness? I now pay over $5,000 a year for insurance, isn't that enough, considering I've only been hospitalized twice in almost seven years now. If I was paying five grand a year for all seven of those years that would be $35,000 for two hospital visits, doctor's visits, and medication. $5,000 is about half of my average yearly income since graduating from college. And after last year that average is coming down.
My family, particularly my grandparents, are anxious for me to get SS disability. I'm not sure I would get approved yet, even after going through double rejection and appeal, which I hear is the standard routine. Sometimes I get down about not having had a job that lasted more than a year since graduating, before graduating as well, but you'd think a graduate from a very expensive and prestigious college could at least hold down even a crap job for more than a year. Considering the jobs I've had, maybe it's good I haven't had one that lasted very long. Now that I'm back on the seasonal schedule things are going to be uncertain every few months. I need to get into grad school, now. I definitely need to get a summer gig lined up before the spring session starts. I think I might have missed the trackers job. I should still inquire about it. I think it would be mad fun to work with them. I don't think I can count on getting anything from the temp agencies I'm registered with.
The job shit definitely cuts into my self-esteem and self-worth. Really, it cuts into my Ego. My Higher Self isn't hurt by my job or financial circumstances. But the feelings of uselessness and self-loathing that come from the way I look at my job situation do effect my soul and Higher Self. Remember to smile and breathe and be here in the present moment. The present moment is the only moment in which we can truly live, to quote Thich Nhat Hanh. He says to smile at our sorrow and suffering, because we are not our suffering, there is more than suffering. I am grateful for life and health and the love around me. I have been learning more and more to love myself, which has been one of the hardest parts of my spiritual journey.
Anyway that was quite a rambling post, but good for being written.
Status Report
Mood: low normal
Medication: took extra Seroquel today and yesterday
Sleep: only 8 hrs last night, bed at 2 up at 10
Exercise: not yet so far today, but maybe after tutoring
Food: fine, need to eat my broccoli before it goes bad
Today I'm feeling the dopey side effects of my Seroquel. I didn't take a nap, but I didn't do anything very productive either, such as looking for a job. A task that is becoming more pressing each day. My seasonal job will start at the end of March and the longer I go without one the more money my grandparents have to give me to pay my rent and health insurance.
Thankfully I have just finished paying off the hospital for my last episode. In all I think I paid about $2,000 which is actually not bad for two ER visits (in the same day) and six days in the psych ward. On the other hand, why do I have to pay so much to keep myself and others safe from my madness? I now pay over $5,000 a year for insurance, isn't that enough, considering I've only been hospitalized twice in almost seven years now. If I was paying five grand a year for all seven of those years that would be $35,000 for two hospital visits, doctor's visits, and medication. $5,000 is about half of my average yearly income since graduating from college. And after last year that average is coming down.
My family, particularly my grandparents, are anxious for me to get SS disability. I'm not sure I would get approved yet, even after going through double rejection and appeal, which I hear is the standard routine. Sometimes I get down about not having had a job that lasted more than a year since graduating, before graduating as well, but you'd think a graduate from a very expensive and prestigious college could at least hold down even a crap job for more than a year. Considering the jobs I've had, maybe it's good I haven't had one that lasted very long. Now that I'm back on the seasonal schedule things are going to be uncertain every few months. I need to get into grad school, now. I definitely need to get a summer gig lined up before the spring session starts. I think I might have missed the trackers job. I should still inquire about it. I think it would be mad fun to work with them. I don't think I can count on getting anything from the temp agencies I'm registered with.
The job shit definitely cuts into my self-esteem and self-worth. Really, it cuts into my Ego. My Higher Self isn't hurt by my job or financial circumstances. But the feelings of uselessness and self-loathing that come from the way I look at my job situation do effect my soul and Higher Self. Remember to smile and breathe and be here in the present moment. The present moment is the only moment in which we can truly live, to quote Thich Nhat Hanh. He says to smile at our sorrow and suffering, because we are not our suffering, there is more than suffering. I am grateful for life and health and the love around me. I have been learning more and more to love myself, which has been one of the hardest parts of my spiritual journey.
Anyway that was quite a rambling post, but good for being written.
Status Report
Mood: low normal
Medication: took extra Seroquel today and yesterday
Sleep: only 8 hrs last night, bed at 2 up at 10
Exercise: not yet so far today, but maybe after tutoring
Food: fine, need to eat my broccoli before it goes bad
Monday, January 25, 2010
Dancing Fool
I went dancing last night. It's the first time I've been dancing since last February when I was running high in my mania. In fact, the last time I went dancing was the night I tried to tell J. that I was deeply in love with her and the night before I had the psychotic break in front of her house.
The dancing was great. I didn't want the night to end. I stayed out until about 1:30 and didn't get to bed until about 3:00. Today I definitely have a "hangover," not from alcohol, because I don't drink, but from putting out so much energy and staying up so late. I'm feeling a little jittery and scattered mentally. Tonight should be much easier to get to bed at a reasonable time. My sleep this weekend has generally been screwy. I got up early on Saturday morning and went to bed late that night as well, and then yesterday I didn't get up until noon. That's when I got up today too. This doesn't bode well for my mood. I'll have to watch myself and maybe take some extra Seroquel.
I've found some good blogs focused on bipolar out there. Check my blogroll to see what I'm reading. I especially like The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive.
Today's Status Report
Mood: low-mildly elevated, jittery, scattered
Sleep: got to bed too late, slept for about 8 hours soundly and then dosed for another hour
Eating: just fine
Exercise: dancing last night kicked my ass
The dancing was great. I didn't want the night to end. I stayed out until about 1:30 and didn't get to bed until about 3:00. Today I definitely have a "hangover," not from alcohol, because I don't drink, but from putting out so much energy and staying up so late. I'm feeling a little jittery and scattered mentally. Tonight should be much easier to get to bed at a reasonable time. My sleep this weekend has generally been screwy. I got up early on Saturday morning and went to bed late that night as well, and then yesterday I didn't get up until noon. That's when I got up today too. This doesn't bode well for my mood. I'll have to watch myself and maybe take some extra Seroquel.
I've found some good blogs focused on bipolar out there. Check my blogroll to see what I'm reading. I especially like The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive.
Today's Status Report
Mood: low-mildly elevated, jittery, scattered
Sleep: got to bed too late, slept for about 8 hours soundly and then dosed for another hour
Eating: just fine
Exercise: dancing last night kicked my ass
Sunday, January 24, 2010
First Post
This is the grand opening of my new blog. I was looking around on the Internet (why is it capitalized, by the way?) for blogs about Bipolar disorder and decided to take a shot at it myself. This blog is going to be anonymous because I would like to discuss very private feelings, events, and other things about my life that don't want traced back to me personally.
The title of this blog came from a tee-shirt that I saw online when looking for possible blog titles. It struck me as quite funny with that grain of truth that most good jokes have.
I'm am going to treat this as a personal journal that will be viewed by a public audience. I may discuss mundane things only interesting to myself. I may be coarse; I may swear; I may say things you don't care for. My object for this, I guess, is to give myself a place to write specifically about my mental illness besides my personal journals. As well as a place where others who share some of my experiences or can relate in other ways may respond and share their experience with me. If I never have a reader or get a comment that is fine with me, but I guess some part of me wants that kind of attention and community. The writing on here my be self indulgent, full of self-pity or other forms of self-centeredness. I'm not going to agonize about good writing and editing, but I will try to make it at least readable.
As I compose a collection of bipolar and mental health blogs and websites, I will try to keep a list going on here.
That's all for now. Next time I may give a little background.
Oh yeah. Status check for today:
mood: normal to low normal
sleep last night: bed late, woke late, 10 hours aprox.
eating: healthy enough
exercise: did yesterday, might today or go dancing
meds: fine
The title of this blog came from a tee-shirt that I saw online when looking for possible blog titles. It struck me as quite funny with that grain of truth that most good jokes have.
I'm am going to treat this as a personal journal that will be viewed by a public audience. I may discuss mundane things only interesting to myself. I may be coarse; I may swear; I may say things you don't care for. My object for this, I guess, is to give myself a place to write specifically about my mental illness besides my personal journals. As well as a place where others who share some of my experiences or can relate in other ways may respond and share their experience with me. If I never have a reader or get a comment that is fine with me, but I guess some part of me wants that kind of attention and community. The writing on here my be self indulgent, full of self-pity or other forms of self-centeredness. I'm not going to agonize about good writing and editing, but I will try to make it at least readable.
As I compose a collection of bipolar and mental health blogs and websites, I will try to keep a list going on here.
That's all for now. Next time I may give a little background.
Oh yeah. Status check for today:
mood: normal to low normal
sleep last night: bed late, woke late, 10 hours aprox.
eating: healthy enough
exercise: did yesterday, might today or go dancing
meds: fine
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