One Year Ago

One year ago I was on the brink of a very severe and life-(altering/shattering/disrupting) manic episode. Part of the purpose of this blog is to reflect on my past experiences with bipolar disorder. So I think I'll begin to write about my episode a year ago.

In January, and maybe in December I'm not totally sure, my mood began move into hypomanic/manic territory. I know this because other people in my life have told me this, and, in reflecting, I remember a few situations in which I can see the connection between my actions and an elevated mood.

For example, one night I went over to a friends house, to hang out and play an interesting strategy game. I had a good time and was feeling upbeat. I headed home on my bike. It was about 10:00 or 11:00 at night. While I was on my way home I passed a convenience store, in the parking lot of which there was a sizable group of young people on bikes. One member of the group had a trailer attached to his bike with a sound system set up on it. I call it a sound system because it wasn't a mere stereo, it was a serious set up attached to a car battery with some serious speakers. I passed the group, but felt pulled back to them. I went back to check out what was going on. This began the second part of my evening, which lasted until well after 1:00 in the morning and involved stopping at two different houses, one not too far from my house and the other in the inner NE part of town, maybe a few miles away. I didn't necessarily do anything particularly manic, but the simple fact that I joined in with a group of strangers, traveled around with them, stayed out late, and did all of this on a whim, makes this abnormal behavior which can be attributed to an elevated mood state.

Another thing I can look back at as evidence of an elevated mood are my pocket journals. I was writing all kinds of little notes and aphorisms. I was getting deeply involved in reading and thinking about Myers-Briggs personality types.

Another situation I remember from January last year was the big auction night at work. I know my mood was up that day. I was in action mode and feeling good, but I'm certain my mood was also elevated. I felt like a general with his troops. I was feeling self-confident, if not grandiose. My mind was running fast. I said some things I maybe shouldn't have or in a way I shouldn't have. Other things I remember from work that month are how I thought that my energy at work was affecting my co-workers. This was a bit of "magical thinking" or perceiving something that was on a different level. I think I was getting less work done, but I felt like I was doing important things like distributing events calenders and other tasks that I thought would part of my plan to get a promotion. I'm mainly relying on my memory right now, which is spotty, but even these scattered bits point to my elevated mood.

Of course, at the time I thought I was doing great. I couldn't see where things were headed. I didn't know that my enthusiasms and new interests would start to become obsessions and eventually I would fall into the most destructive obsession, the one focused on J. When I'm flirting with mania the line between possibility and certainty, between fantasy and reality, between hopes and facts becomes exceedingly thin. If I think it, it becomes real. If I want it, I try to make it happen. And I don't realize when I cross this line.

I took my feelings of friendship and closeness with J. and expanded them into a world of deep love and devotion. I took our working relationship and my perception of her role as my confidant and adviser and transformed them into a relationship outside of work that was mostly in my mind. The line between what I wanted and what existed disappeared. Because I wanted it, it must be so, and I must make it so.

This is how the month that shook me started.